On Agency

With Karpathy tweeting talking about Agency > Intelligence, I wanted to share my two cents. Specifically, my thoughts on cultivating agency in children.

I've always considered agency to be the most important trait to seek in the people around me, and the most vital quality to nurture in children, friends, and if you're lucky, your parents. Because the world truly shifts in your favour when you possess high agency. And for the first time since intelligence became a human's most prized asset, it's no longer the primary barrier to success - agency is.

I find the idea of instilling agency in adults largely irrelevant because beyond a certain age, it is incredibly difficult to do. Agency hinges on a foundation that is the desire to pursue one's own goals and the capacity to achieve them on one's own terms. I would go as far as to say, that, having extremely high agency is like unlocking a deeper level of consciousness. Persuading an adult who has spent over 18 years following as they were told by their parents, peers, schools, jobs, to suddenly embrace their own ambitions, is beyond my interests.

So the much more relevant question is, how to instill agency in children. Kids are incredibly malleable, making them the ideal starting point for shaping human behaviour. Most of the brain's foundation forms in the first few years of life. Unfortunately in most cases, the development of one's agency lies within the bounds of their parents' agency.

Something my mom always emphasizes is the importance of giving kids the opportunity to explore, in ways that goes far beyond the intellectual and across every facet of life. Like letting children do whatever it is they'd like to do, as long as there is no risk of serious, irreversible injury. For example, growing up, I was never told to stop making my childish noises, staring at people, asking google-able questions. I was always allowed to climb trees, run around, ski, get hurt. "Be careful" was a phrase my mom very rarely used.

And of course sometimes that backfired—like when as a toddler, I got curious about how hot the iron was and high-fived it on full heat. My mom was there to comfort me, ease the pain, ensure I felt heard and seen. Either because she's recounted that story so often, or because the moment was so memorable, I can remember how she remained calm, did not overreact, did not say "I told you not to touch it". The situation was oddly normal.

Rarely was I told to stop crying, laughing, doing whatever I was doing—90% of the time, I heard the answer yes. So I learned to expect the same from the world. That I could explore without any imposed limits and that boundaries don't actually exist. The answer to most requests in this world is yes, with the most important variable being how badly you want to get to yes. If it's physically possible, getting to that yes depends on your persistence, perseverance and negotiation. This holds for getting to a yes from both people and the universe.

I was taught that failure is necessary, and my parents would be there when it happened. When I was hurt, betrayed, or in pain, my parents made my emotions and experiences feel like the most important, validated thing in the world. When I found joy, hit highs, or succeeded, no one celebrated more than my parents did. Yet I was always given the freedom to reach those highs and lows on my own.

It's beneficial for kids to experience setbacks, despite how odd that may sound. Because it fosters resilience and the fearlessness essential for high agency. I failed, cried, and felt pain more than the average kid around me, but that was instrumental to being able to live the life I want to be living. That's what makes me, now as an adult, someone who does not question whether I'm pursuing my goals or someone else's goals, whether I am genuinely happy, whether I'm in a rat race.

Sheltering children does them a profound disservice - one that will echo their entire life. To live fully, to embrace the full spectrum of life, requires a level boundaryless-ness that is often stripped from most kids during their childhood. Children should grow up never questioning whether they have the ability to do something, because the default assumption should always be yes, they can. The next question is how badly they want it and how much effort they are willing to throw at it.

About two weeks ago was the first time in maybe my entire life that my mom told me to stop chasing a goal I was dying for. She listened to my explanation of the situation, and to my extreme surprise, told me to move on and to chase something different. I was truly in shock because it felt like the first time she'd ever discouraged me from anything. Dropping out of school, traveling the world at a fragile age, moving across my home country, then to another country while barely being legal - she was always supporter number one, not a single doubt I'd make it work. I think we should strive for our children to feel extremely surprised when we discourage them from anything. A major benefit of that is they are much more likely to listen to us, and take the things we say seriously. When my mom gave me an explanation as to why I should give up, I didn't question that.

I wish that on others—I want my friends, when they have kids, to raise them without artificial constraints. Let them explore freely, bump into life's walls on their own, not because they were pulled back a meter early. Let them push boundaries, feel invincible, believe they can shape reality to their will. There's no greater gift than giving a child a sense of incredible self-belief and agency.